*
*
*
*
*
*
*
|
Monday, May 10 - weirdo I know you're not perfect... and I know you are muddled up inside. But sometimes i'm happy living in a world where i think you are everything i want to be.I am going to go into the whole fucking deal... because i feel like venting and i feel like swearing and i feel like saying 'sorry'... Okay... I don't remember when it was.. it was last year... and I had a fight with mum and dad and mitchie or something... and they went out... and i went into the kitchen and i sat up on the bench in the corner... i remember watching the car drive away through the window... and anyway i was just sitting there... and i was sad... and i was angry... and i saw the block of knives in the kitchen... and i went up to them and i picked up one of them... i don't remember which one... it was probably either the big one or the small one... and anyway i started kinda running it along my skin on my left arm near my wrist but on the top... and it wasn't hurting and it wasn't cutting at all... so i took out the bread knife because that has serrated edges and i did the same thing... and it still didn't cut... so i pressed harder and went over the spot again and again... and then i finally cut the skin and drew blood... I wiped the knife... i went back into my room and i probably went to sleep fingering it... The next knife i reckon i was still angry or sad... at either the same thing or something different... i had closed my blinds and locked my door and i was pumping evanescence which normally means i'm in one of those moods... i had my pocket knife in my drawer and i cut my arm some more... At school later... don't know how many days apart this is... but anyway people saw... helani was probably first... and she wanted to know what it was... and then i didn't do it anymore... but one day a lot later i did... only once though... and i was sitting in maths... and my teacher was walking around and she saw it... and she asked what it was... and i flat out lied without skipping a beat and i told her that it was from my evil cat who scratched me... she just told me to make sure it was clean because sometimes cats pass on infections and things... Another time when i did all the cuts along my arm at the same time my brother saw... and i pulled my hand away and i wouldn't show him... but mum was there... in the room... and other people too... and it was kinda... um... yeah... I heard later that my mum had been talking to megan's mum about it and she'd been really upset about it... mum never said anything about it to me... never told me she noticed or was upset or anything... One time helani called... or maybe i called helani... no she probably called me... and we had a right ole conversation about stuff... and she made me promise never to do it again... and i promised and i didn't want to promise... but i did... we were both cryin over the phone... So later, i threw out my pocket knife... i walked mr shinyness and its beaudiful black case out to the garbage bin outside and i threw it in without thinking that it probably cost a bit by whichever company gave it to my dad for free... I have only done it once since then... with a kitchen knife... probably the bread one again... I didn't do it because i wanted to kill myself... i think at the time i was thinking i was doing it because i wanted to kill myself... but as i look back i think i wanted to do it because i was just interested... it's hard to get knives to cut skin... there's absolutely nothing wrong with me... i would never kill myself because i'd be too wimpy and i am just suckered in by the pretty lights of life... I'm not gonna say i won't do it again... i'm just gonna say that i'm not depressed... thought i was but realised i'm a fucking attention seaker who thinks she's fucked in the head but really is a masochist #3 1) The deriving of sexual gratification, or the tendency to derive sexual gratification, from being physically or emotionally abused. 2) The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from being humiliated or mistreated, either by another or by oneself. 3) A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying experiences. or maybe #2... I have no real knowledge of #1 so i'll get back to you on that one... that definition was from dictionary.com So, in conclusion... I am a perfect person who has perfect things and a perfect life with a perfect brother and perfect parents and that gives me the shits because i want to complain about something so i complain about myself... Now... I am going to talk about my brother... so Kitty if u happen to be reading i think it might be good for you to maybe skip this paragraph... or the next couple When i was in primary school I went to the same primary school as my brother... when I was in year 2 or 3 my brother ran away from school... he walked home... half an hour walk... he must have been in year 4 (so i must've been in year 2)... or maybe even younger... I remember mum having the most terrible difficulty in getting him to school... one day her and the PRINCIPAL(!!) were trying to literally pull him out of the car in the morning... he climbed into the boot... smart kid!... Anyway he hated school... he called the principal a bitch or something... and he refused to go back... So he went to another school... it was a long way away and he boarded through the week... every week on Wednesday mornings the family would go to counselling... every wednesday i would be late for school.. every wednesday i would get to see my brother... and every wednesday we would stop in at the petrol station to get petrol and mum would buy me chocolate... One of his counsellors was called Cathryn... we used to sit in this muggy room and she'd talk and mum and dad would listen and i would be bored and i remember once mitchie and i just played with these cool dodgy watches we both had with a spinny thing around the outside... I remember another time that one of the counsellors asked us to draw a picture of what we thought mitchie's 'problem' was... mum drew a cloud... i drew his lucky necklace because it had not proven to be lucky and everytime he wore it something unlucky happened... as i recall!... Anyway mitchie had these cool friends... and it wasn't really a school... they played games and went on excursions and thinking back i reckon it probably cost mum and dad heaps... i can't actually remember if he came home on fridays or not... maybe he didn't... anyway... He met this girl called Sonic... coz it was the age of Nintendo and Sonic and Nuckles... she was really sweet... i only met her once... or maybe saw her twice... they had this party for him when he was leaving with a cake and they made him a huge card and everyone signed it and it had a dolphin on the front and he has it in his cupboard somewhere... Anyway... i can't remember how long he went there for... but he left in year 5 i think and instead of going back to the devil primary school that i was still at... he went to the school i am at now... and he finished all the way through to year 12 there... It's kinda weird... I copy my brother all the time... he's kinda like my role model... I love duplo and nintendo... we saved up for our Super Nintendo ourselves and we bought a pack thingey with an extra controller and a game... he got me into star wars... and a bit into astronomy and stuff... but he's really changed... i try and act interested in things... but now he has all these doco's from the BBC on dvd... and i find them really really boring... I don't see him unless it's friday, saturday or sunday... I miss him... which is weird... but we've always been good to each other... well he's always been good to me... he taught me to climb the big tree... he fell off the roof once... all the way to the ground... *thump*... he went to the hospital in an ambulance but he was perfectly fine and went home really soon... it wasn't really that far... damn gravity... *Kitty is allowed to start reading again* I don't know what brought on all this reminiscing... it's late... my fingers are cold... i've already blogged today... Random: Fantasies built on flesh Anyway... my year 6 jersey is still too big... 5 years later... god... so annoying... i have really really grown though... I would like to make a public apology to Jasha whom i know does not read this blog but I am going to say anyway that i am sorry for teasing you for being short... seeing as though you are kinda like my height... but anyway i am sorry... because i am used to having lots of short people to tease and they're all gone so i have decided to pick on you... I will try to refrain in the future... Since this seems to be a good post for truths... I don't want a boyfriend. The straight and honest truth. I don't believe in love... although my brother thinks it will pass and he may be right... I don't see the point in pinning all your hopes on one person when you can spread them around through all your friends and just have lots of friends... I don't see the point in having the find extra time to spend with one person just because by definition they are your 'boyfriend'... to my it all seems stupid... but i'm only 16... argh 16... I want to delete that paragraph... but i can't be bother since i typed it all nice and stuff... i wonder if i have to find another article for IPT tomorrow... This is gonna seem random and out of place... but i'm going to write it anyway... for those of you who read this whom's school i went to last year... well... do u remember the computing teacher... the one we had in year 10 for like half a year or something... i don't want to say his name coz i try to make this a anonymous blog... but u know who i'm talking about... the guy who always smelt like cigarettes, always took a blue bottle of water to every class... and who is responsible for us having a new computer Lab and Pc's instead of Mac's... well... in computing class it was always ej, paula, sarah, helani and i... helani and i used to always share a computer and spend most of the time messing around and hitting each other... I forgot my point... oh well... actually i have full remembrance of my point... i am just chickening out of saying it... i'll leave it to a later date... Is it depressing that I want to see New York Minute? and Princess Diaries 2? And Ella Enchanted? And A Cinderella Story? Honey made more money than Win a date with Tad Hamilton... Honey had rockin music... Hamilton was kinda corny but i can't judge coz i haven't seen it... I got half a part in drama... but it was half the part i wanted... well i wanted the whole part but what can you do crumble | 10:17 pm
|
|
aoi's design from SCRATCH © 2004
|
|
DOB: 8th of October COUNTRY: Australia & Kangaroos
FAMILY: Mum, Dad, Mitchie, Claudia PETS: Tom the Sexy Beast FEELING:   
likes... buffy the vampire slayer, greys anatomy, glass house, kumars at #42, spicks and specks, west wing, angel, gilmore girls, dark angel, firefly, stargate, lord of the rings, star wars, the simpsons, crossing jordan, tru calling, ally mcbeal, bradley whitford, dominic monaghan, david wenham, rupert grint, james masters, anthony stewart head, elvis, hilary duff, evanescence, good charlotte, the whitlams, machine gun fellatio (the band), my baby tom, writing, singing in the shower, playing pool, netball, basketball, exams, tidying, chinese food (lemon chicken, sizzling steak, chicken and sweet corn soup, san choi bow, spring rolls, prawn chips), my old friends, my new friends, my other friends, my box, my papyrus, my faerie picture, mount caules story. 
 dislikes... bugs, honey, insects that she thinks are poisonous (all of them!), marmalade, studying, not knowing things, not being able to splel, the english curriculum, vacuuming, the beach, being on stage and not knowing what to do, shopping, gross things, vegemite, olives, dark chocolate, flower smells, the hsc, beetroot, my boobs, pickles, people picking their noses, half-eaten food, playing drama games all lesson and not doing any work, my father nagging me to study when I am indeed studying, my father nagging me to study when I am indeed doing something other than studying, losing money, being fat, when the tv times change and you don't know, mornings, being lonely. |
 |
|
|
