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Saturday, July 30 - Too deep in the lies. Just ignore this rant. I don't really mean any of it and i'm actually not angry or anything. This is just this.Nothing I do is good enough. I try and try and try and nothing changes. Everything stays exactly the same everywhere I go. So there's a point where you just wanna give up. I've reached that point. So I'm kinda done. It's 11:02PM Saturday night, my trials start on monday and I haven't started studying yet. I just don't want to so I don't think I will bother. Don't really care if my teachers are disappointed with me, I think they pretty much are already anyway. My father's always disappointed with me, always making cracks about me never doing any work, IN FRONT OF MY FRICKING FRIENDS THIS MORNING BEFORE I GET OUT THERE. IT'S NOT FUNNY! STOP FUCKING TAKING THE PISS OUT OF MY MEANINGLESS EXISTENCE. Mum actually knows a bit about what's going on in my life. This is really selfish to think and say, but I think perhaps she's living through me (sounds horribly self-centred I know, and i'm sorry). She's always been a mother, had a couple of jobs but never a career, didn't go to university, has a handful of friends, most of whom she met at playgroup for me or mitchell. Mitchell was always the screw-up child (yeah this again is selfish), at least I always thought so. He absolutely hated school when he was little, hated going, some evil boys knocked his teeth out once. Finally settled at the school I currently attend, in year 5ish. I never noticed when I was little but when we went out to dinner with a group of people my father would get progressively louder the more he drank, Mitchell always noticed. His laugh turned into a cackle and then became a roar. Mitchell and Dad have never really gotten along great. I've always been my father's daughter, I have to say that I am treated so much better than my brother is. Dad would give me anything I wanted if I asked for it, honestly, he would. I'M A SPOILT LITTLE PRINCESS AND ABSOLUTELY NOBODY CALLS ME ON IT!! I've always thought I was a good person, but suprise suprise it's all a show. I don't listen to people when they talk (Keira and Murry would testify to this), I pretend to understand things that I don't actually understand, I prefer my own company to the company of anybody elses and I DONT GIVE A RATS ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE IN THE ENTIRE PLANET. I AM A SELFISH ASS. I pretend I have all these nobel intentions, even in my head, pretending I have good morals. I lie to myself inside my brain, pretending that I am a good person and care about the well being of others. I don't. I hurt myself because i'm a retard and I think that my pain is actually any kind of bad. It's really not. Actually i'm in a suprisingly minimal amount of pain for a person. But, as the actress I am, I enjoy exaggerating the emotions and blaming my problems on anyone else but me. The reason I haven't let my mother read my drama script yet is because a chunk of Risty's character is based on me, well she says what I think and does what I do. I try to impress people, I spend most of my time trying to make people think something good about me and want to talk to me. But once they do I forget about them and pretty much ditch them. It's just what I do and i've never admitted that to myself before. The happiest times in my life are when i'm around all my friends from my old school. Something about them being the kindest, most loyal, loving and caring people in the world makes me think that maybe i'm a good person too. "They wouldn't want to talk to me if they thought I was a bad person", kinda thoughts. I absolutely love spending time with them and I miss them so much when i'm not around them. I hate getting things wrong. Mistakes are just dreadful, and i'd rather be completely silent than make one. I don't bother taking risks with the answer unless the probability of it being the right answer is at least 80%. Thats why I don't answer questions in class. That's why Rochelle now probably hates my guts so much. I think I'm better than some of my friends (this is probably the worst confession yet). I know it's wrong and i'm not better than anybody in any way, but I honestly believe I am. It's terrible and I absolutely hate myself for it. I can't feel anything at all anymore. I just want to sit and do nothing and sleep and read and sleep and think and sit, and do it all over again. My heart is broken for some reason and I just can't live properly. I'm so bogged down in lies and misinformations that nobody knows who I really am and what I really think and I just need to break free. I'm too deep in the lies and I keep sinking. I don't really believe anything anybody else says, I don't trust anyone and I have to check things again. For example, arriving at the traffic lights and pushing the button even though somebody else is standing there and waiting already. Tightening the lid on the bottle of drink even after somebody else has closed it. Checking the netball draw even after mother has told me what time the game is. Oh, I wasn't supposed to get as angry and truthful and silly as I did just then, in all those paragraphs above. Sorry, I'm uh... well it wasn't me. It was meant to be one little paragraph and the I started writing while holding the shift key, then everything seemed to deteriorate. Got this letter asking if I can answer some survey thing that Mrs Head of Sr. School's daughter is doing for university. It's on OCD. Did anybody else get it? It said it was going to be done in 'form time' but duh, year 12 doesn't actually have form time anymore, we just go home. And I don't remember a week when we haven't had assembly anyway. Maybe I just won't attend the exams... I mean I could just stay at home and vege for two weeks. But I suppose that would mean that I would fail, interesting concept. I've never failed a test by not attempting it before. In the holidays when we had those business days I remember Millie's mum dropped me at my house and the four of us (kids + mums) had a little chat and millie's mum said something that I don't think I'll ever forget... uh... okay I don't remember the exact words [heh, I thought that was funny], no i'm kidding, she said to Millie "we're just proud of you for getting this far". Like school was hard and it was an achievement to just finish all we've done so far. Made me feel good for about 5 seconds. In 5 minutes I have been writing this for exactly an hour. Okay i've also been playing card, games, and reading stories. But mostly posting I think. crumble | 11:00 pm
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aoi's design from SCRATCH © 2004
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DOB: 8th of October COUNTRY: Australia & Kangaroos
FAMILY: Mum, Dad, Mitchie, Claudia PETS: Tom the Sexy Beast FEELING:   
likes... buffy the vampire slayer, greys anatomy, glass house, kumars at #42, spicks and specks, west wing, angel, gilmore girls, dark angel, firefly, stargate, lord of the rings, star wars, the simpsons, crossing jordan, tru calling, ally mcbeal, bradley whitford, dominic monaghan, david wenham, rupert grint, james masters, anthony stewart head, elvis, hilary duff, evanescence, good charlotte, the whitlams, machine gun fellatio (the band), my baby tom, writing, singing in the shower, playing pool, netball, basketball, exams, tidying, chinese food (lemon chicken, sizzling steak, chicken and sweet corn soup, san choi bow, spring rolls, prawn chips), my old friends, my new friends, my other friends, my box, my papyrus, my faerie picture, mount caules story. 
 dislikes... bugs, honey, insects that she thinks are poisonous (all of them!), marmalade, studying, not knowing things, not being able to splel, the english curriculum, vacuuming, the beach, being on stage and not knowing what to do, shopping, gross things, vegemite, olives, dark chocolate, flower smells, the hsc, beetroot, my boobs, pickles, people picking their noses, half-eaten food, playing drama games all lesson and not doing any work, my father nagging me to study when I am indeed studying, my father nagging me to study when I am indeed doing something other than studying, losing money, being fat, when the tv times change and you don't know, mornings, being lonely. |
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