*
*
*
*
*
*
*
|
Sunday, October 9 - Tell me you love me OMG THIS BLOG IS ACTUALLY TWO YEARS AND SIX MONTHS OLD EXACTLY TODAY!!! HOW WONDERFUL IS THAT? THIS BLOG IS THE ONLY THING THAT I HAVE EVER ACTUALLY PUT ANY EFFORT INTO AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT.I never use caps lock. Even for that paragraph above. I held down the right shift button with my right pinkie. And I never say 'double p' when spelling words like 'happiness'. I have always said 'p p'... and now I think about it maybe I should have used another word as my example. On my birthday yesterday I watched 19 episodes of buffy and three of scrubs. I watched another three of buffy today and ta-da there is the entire of season 7 finished. Stephen I'll give you your dvd's back soon. I Make Hamburgers - The Whitlams The Girl from Ipanema - Astrud Gilberto Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes I haven't been blogging much lately. I didn't blog yesterday specifically because it was my birthday. It's not like I was too busy or anything, I just didn't want to go on the internet on my birthday. I wanted it to seem like I was less loserish than I actually am. I go into birthday denial and all that because my birthday means a lot to me. Yesterday I got sms's from Megan, Joy, Steph, Annick, Lynda, Tit, Ej and Reenie in that order. I got emails from Megan, Manasi and Terry. Helani called. Alicia and her Mum dropped over. Today I got sms's from Millie and Ishana, and Erin called. Keira dropped a present (that I absolutely love) over at my house a couple of days before my b'day. Nan gave me a pressie on friday. Omg I really need to go to the bathroom but the cat's in there. Yeah thats weird huh. Actually he's now sitting just outside the door but he was inside before. Because of the paralysis we're not sure if he can go to the bathroom by himself yet. And when he needs to go to the bathroom and is locked inside the house he always goes in the bathroom, he's good like that. So I want to let him have full reign in case he needs to go. But argh. I found this thing on Tahli's space. Copy this into your blog and fill it out by puttin x to the ones you've done. (x) skipped school (o) seen someone die (o) shoplifted (o) been in a fist fight (o) snuck out of your parent's house (o) gone on a blind date (o) been to Canada (o) been to Mexico (x) been on a plane (x) eaten Sushi (o) been snowboarding (o) been moshing at a concert (x) taken painkillers (o) love someone (x) miss someone right now (x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back (x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by (o) made a snow angel (x) had a tea party (o) flown a kite (x) built a sand castle (x) gone puddle jumping (o) played dress up (x) jumped into a pile of leaves (o) gone sledding (x) cheated while playing a game (x) been lonely (x) fallen asleep at school (x) watched the sun set (o) felt an earthquake (x) touched a snake (x) slept beneath the stars (x) had deja vu (x) been tickled (x) been robbed (x) been misunderstood (o) petted a reindeer/goat (o) won a contest (o) had a parent run a red light (x) been in a car accident (o) had braces (x) felt like an outcast (o) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (x) hated yourself and the way you look (o) witnessed a crime (x) squished barefoot through the mud (x) been lost (x) been to the opposite side of the country (x) swam in the ocean (x) played cops and robbers (o) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers (o) sung karaoke (o) paid for a meal with only coins (x) made prank phone calls (o) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of you (o) caught a snowflake on your tongue (x) danced in the rain (x) written a letter to Santa Claus (o) been kissed under a mistletoe (o) watched the sun rise with someone you care about (x) blown bubbles (o) made a bonfire on the beach (o) crashed a party (x) gone rollerskating (o) had a wish come true (x) worn pearls (o) ate dog/cat food (x) sang in the shower (x) have a little black dress (o) had a dream that you married someone (o) glued your hand to something (o) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole (o) kissed a fish (x) been a cheerleader (x) sat on a roof top (o) screamed/ yelled at the top of your lungs (o) done a one handed cart-wheel (o) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours (x) stayed up all night (o) picked and ate an apple right off the tree (x) climbed a tree (x) had a tree house (x) are scared to watch scary movies alone (o) believed in ghosts (o) have more then 30 pairs of shoes (o) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say (x) pushed into a pool with all your clothes on (o) broken a bone (x) been easily amused (o) caught a fish then ate it (o) caught a butterfly (x) laughed so hard you cried (o) cried so hard you laughed (o) cheated on a test (x) have a Britney Spears CD (x) forgotten someone's name (o) French braided someone's hair (o) been to any other countries besides yours (o) had serious surgery (o) gone out in public in your pyjamas (o) kissed a stranger (o) hugged a stranger (o) been arrested (x) had alcohol (x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator (o) swore at your parents (o) kicked a guy where it hurts (o) been close to love (x) been to a casino (o) skinny-dipped (x) saw a therapist/counsellor (x) done the splits (o) played spin the bottle (o) gotten stitches (o) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour (x) bitten someone (o) been in love (o) been dumped (o) been to Niagara Falls (x) gotten the chicken pox (o) crashed into a friend's car (o) been to Japan (x) ridden in a taxi (o) been fired (x) lied to a friend (o) had a crush on a teacher (o) celebrated mardi (o) been to Europe (o) Been to Africa (o) Driven interstate (x) Been Skiing (o) Met someone in person from the internet (o) been to a motor cross show (o) lost a child (o) had a crush on someone you shouldn't (o) own an ipod (o) own an mp3 player (o) fancy someone on your contact list (o) kissed a girl (o) kissed a boy (o) fainted (x) purposely set a part of yourself on fire (o) questioned your heart (x) been obsessed with post-it notes (x) cried yourself to sleep (x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't (o) jumped off a bridge (x) kissed a mirror (o) been told you're hot by a complete stranger Wow thats fairly long when u have to go through it ALL. I want to talk to Jenna but... I don't know. I am really bad at keeping in contact with people that I don't see often. And I always feel uncomfortable hanging out with just one person, like it just being the two of us... with the exception of Joy of course, and perhaps Helani. I don't know if it's the same for everyone but i've been thinking things lately, where I know that my self-control kicks in to stop me from doing them. Really weird things, like thinking how good my big toe would fit into someone's eye socket if I kicked them at exactly the right angle, wanting to knock things over, wanting to push everything off a desk. It has nothing to do with the particular person, or being angry or anything, it's more like I just feel like I could possibly do it. I think i'm actually a little bit crazy. I think things that you wouldn't believe. I have wonderful self-control over the things that I do and say, mainly because I am so worried about what people think of me. I don't let myself think bad thoughts because I seriously want to make sure that anybody reading my mind doesn't think worse of me. I try my hardest to do the opposite to what people similar to me are doing, for example most of them are studying at this current point in time, myself, on the other hand, cannot. Something Stephanie said a while ago is eating away at me. She didn't really think about the sentence in depth before she said it I don't think. She said it quickly, and in reply to something that I think Christopher had said just before. The comment was completely brushed over, no response was made by anyone in the vacinity because someone else immediately spoke. I'm not going to tell you what she said. I'm not going to tell her what she said. No doubt she has already forgotten it, and even I am having doubts on where this incident actually took place. It was possibly at school or possibly at Tim's party. More likely to be at school since the memory is lighter and I can see her face, kinda. It was dark at Tim's party. Do you want to know what presents I got for my birthday? Okay so I got some money from my grandmother, some money from my uncle, some money and flowers from Alicia and her mum, swimmers (which are going to be returned) from my mum, perfume from my mum, a buffy calendar and a box of lollies from keira, scrubs season 1 dvd (which i was present at the buying of) from my mum, a little revlon bag with some stuff in it from my mum, including : lip gloss (i already have one unopened and a three quarter full one in my posession) : face stuff : mascara (hopefully works better than the one I have at the moment which just clumps groups of my lashes together and leaves black stuff all over my face) : a little vitamin C moisturiser thingo : a little colorstay stay natural makeup thing : a little pink happiness perfume thing : and 'teal rose' lipstick (there's nothing I love more than coloured gunk that is probably tested on animals and I will just end up swallowing everytime I lick my lips Stephy do you use the 'pink happiness' perfume? Coz it smells like you. Hehehe. I'm pretty much a bitch actually. Oh and if you count it all up I got $520 for my birthday. I'm putting it towards a digital video camera. EDIT --- Money makes me feel really insecure. Having money, having no money. I'm terrified of going out into the world and running out of money and having nowhere to live and nothing to eat and not being able to survive. I want to win the lottery just so that I know I won't be sleeping on the street. I don't think i'd buy yachts or fancy cars. I would buy an appartment, or a house. Buy, not rent. I want to OWN it because thats the only way i'm truely safe. And even then there's council rates and taxes and water and electricity and the phone bill money for food. It's scary. My cousin and his fiance have apparently set their wedding date, it's for like July 2007 so it's not something to be thought about too seriously too soon. My brother told me something disturbing about his life a while ago. Argh. I want bad things to happen just so something happens. That makes me a bad person. Imagining bad things happening to myself and people around me, just to make life eventful and to create a culture of change. I'm all for the 'don't let anybody in' approach to life. Well I don't like telling people things about me. Like I didn't want to tell anyone that Tom was sick. I don't want sympathy votes and I don't want people to just say 'oh thats terrible, i hope he's okay' and then having an awkward pause and then somebody else joining the conversation and changing the subject suddenly. I think that telling people things like that is selfish on my part, I make other people uncomfortable and they can't understand. So I don't like doing it. But okay, I did it anyway. I said it and as soon as I told people I regretted it because it made me weak and them strong and I burdened them and made them uncomfortable. Similar thinking to that started hitting me in about year 10. That's why things started getting all wonky at school and stuff. You don't remember the wonky stuff after you leave. All I remember are the good old days, when we laughed and traded pencil cases and took each other's names for entire days, and made up songs about Donkey's smoking bongs, and Kate told us dirty things, and waiting in line at the canteen, and lighting fires in the toilets, and writing a silly story about five girls who get transported to Middle Earth, and having tremendous trouble trying to find an empty classroom that we could ask permission to practice our Lipsync acts in at lunchtime, and sitting in 311 at recess and lunch when it rained or was really cold, and eating raw food in the technology building because we ran out of time and were forced to take it out of the oven early, and gossiping and bitching in drama, and running up the carpark for sport and sitting in a big circle eating lunch together. I don't remember the bad things which is why I love it more than I love the school I actually graduated from. I have... almost no fond memories of the school I just finished, i'm thinking it's partly the fact that I had no power. I didn't know any teachers or many of the kids and I had little knowledge of the school. I hate this. It's late, early actually and i'm spilling all my little secrets and thoughts because my brain can't function to think of the consequences. It's just... I'm not important. And I don't have any right to expect people to talk to me or pay attention to me. I hate it when they don't and I hate it when they do. I kinda just wish I was invisible, or stupid. I'm full of lies because I don't say what I think, I saw what I think people want to hear, I want to be the best person who everyone wants to talk to because I always say the right things. I've been making an effort with buying birthday presents the last couple of years. At my last school I was actually terrible and I never remembered birthdays or made an effort to buy them the right presents, one of my problems was not listening and I know that it drove Murry crazy. So at a new school I try to make an effort, and I think I did an okay job as far as I am concerned. Okay I still get distracted, but i've been trying to teach myself that conversations do not exist as anything on their own, they only mean something when they are remembered and referred to at other moments, and things grow from them. Do you know what's going through my head at the moment? Dawn saying "I'm the pushy queen of slut-town". Don't ask my why it is, i'm not sure. But she keeps saying it. They should let you, at the beginning of your life, choose what you want to die from. There should be this big wheel in the delivery rooms of the hospitals that the babies spin right after they are born. Things like 'cancer' and 'stabbing' should be listed. The wheel spins and voila, you are responsible for your own destiny. My problem isn't that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. It's that I don't want to be anything when I grow up. I don't want to be a doctor, or a lawyer or a gardener, or a pharmacist or a plumber or a vet. I don't want to work in fast food I don't want to run my own business. We only get one life and I know that i'm going to waste mine. Why do we, as humans, spend our entire lives trying to be famous or successful or rich? We're all going to die anyway. Why am I terrified of the people that will look down on me if I don't make anything of myself. If I don't try. Do we actually have the power to run our own lives? Because I know I don't have the strength to stand against everyone and everything I know. So is my life actually MY LIFE, or does it belong to an unspoken person? I wish I was hardworking, but if I had the choice i'd probably pick to be beautiful instead. I'd also love to be smart. But I know I can't be any of the above so... I kinda think I wish I were dead. Hasn't that just proved to you how lazy and selfish I actually am? Didn't it just click in your brain that i'm immature and full of myself and a complainer who is actually just an ass? I'm a bad person. And I have yet to find one honest person in the whole world who will tell me that straight to my face. crumble | 10:59 pm
|
|
aoi's design from SCRATCH © 2004
|
|
DOB: 8th of October COUNTRY: Australia & Kangaroos FAMILY: Mum, Dad, Mitchie, Claudia PETS: Tom the Sexy Beast FEELING:   
likes... buffy the vampire slayer, greys anatomy, glass house, kumars at #42, spicks and specks, west wing, angel, gilmore girls, dark angel, firefly, stargate, lord of the rings, star wars, the simpsons, crossing jordan, tru calling, ally mcbeal, bradley whitford, dominic monaghan, david wenham, rupert grint, james masters, anthony stewart head, elvis, hilary duff, evanescence, good charlotte, the whitlams, machine gun fellatio (the band), my baby tom, writing, singing in the shower, playing pool, netball, basketball, exams, tidying, chinese food (lemon chicken, sizzling steak, chicken and sweet corn soup, san choi bow, spring rolls, prawn chips), my old friends, my new friends, my other friends, my box, my papyrus, my faerie picture, mount caules story. 
 dislikes... bugs, honey, insects that she thinks are poisonous (all of them!), marmalade, studying, not knowing things, not being able to splel, the english curriculum, vacuuming, the beach, being on stage and not knowing what to do, shopping, gross things, vegemite, olives, dark chocolate, flower smells, the hsc, beetroot, my boobs, pickles, people picking their noses, half-eaten food, playing drama games all lesson and not doing any work, my father nagging me to study when I am indeed studying, my father nagging me to study when I am indeed doing something other than studying, losing money, being fat, when the tv times change and you don't know, mornings, being lonely. |
 |
|
|
